Lonliness

Being a Mum can often be lonely. It may be assumed that you have lots of Mummy friends, or that you are constantly busy, and have plenty to do. The reality is you may often be at home with your children by yourself. If you happen to be a SAHM then this may resonate with you more.

When I became a Mum for the first time, I was really anxious about making new Mummy friends. Other friends who were more seasoned mums or people I semi knew seemed to have it all sorted. They had a group of friends that they may regularly see, plenty of groups that they went too, and I often felt like I was on the outside of this looking in. Now, I am fairly confident, and I think quite social, but if I don’t know someone too well, it takes me a while to warm up (so to speak) and start to feel confident to open up. Being vulnerable with someone who is a newer friend takes me time. This is my nature. Approaching a group of people who are already talking (even if you know someone in the group) feels like you are interrupting a private conversation. Will they want my input, do they even like me that much, what do they think of me, are all questions which have popped into my head. If you do muster up the courage  to join the conversation then inevitably there may be some social awkwardness. I mean what if I say something really stupid! I’m pretty certain I have done this, although any specific example fails me right now. Perhaps I have wiped it from my head, because I was so traumatised by it. Then the conversation just dries up, and you make your excuses politely and move on. I saw something that was posted on Facebook recently about how we use our children as the excuses, you know the kind of thing, ‘oh look at you, lets get you cleaned  up,’ or, ‘come on lets get you a snack / its time to go the toilet,’ etc etc. I have certainly done that.

At some groups that I went to with BB, I focused on him. Some people would come up and say hi, but others seemed to be secure in their group of people. I would look around, and feel fairly self conscious that no one really wanted to talk to me. You can start to get a complex, I mean seriously, come on what’s wrong with me, do I look that unfriendly!

The way I felt about groups definitely stopped me from attending so many, and I really regret letting this bother me so much.

With LP it is different, I am more relaxed and more confident, but I still wasn’t looking forward to groups. I know a few more people this time around, so there have been more play dates, and I see family quite a lot. I have some wonderful friends, truly amazing people that speak into my life, but we all have things to do, and unfortunately can’t always meet up so regularly. Sometimes I crave that regular contact with someone at the same stage of life, someone who gets where you are at, has the same issues, someone you can chat freely to without fear of being judged for something you said, and will totally forgive you of any social faux pas. Relationships however take time to build, friendships blossom through experiences and over months and years. We certainly can’t be everyones friend, and I don’t want that anyway. I just want to meaningfully connect.

It seems to me that there are different types of friendships, and that depends on the age of your children. I am entering a new phase where BB is finishing pre school and will be starting ‘Big School’. I will be meeting more new people and my son may or may not become friends with their kids. Just because our children are friends, doesn’t always mean the parents will be.

Sometimes I feel that being a Christian, may also make me seem like I am a crazy woman, I’m not (well, maybe a little, but thats got nothing to do with my beliefs). Perhaps a better description would be that I may come across as unapproachable. It’s really tough sometimes to have a conversation with someone where you share what you did over the weekend or during a week night, which may go something like, I went to church on Sunday morning and my husband was preaching, or we had a homegroup tonight where we talked about our Sunday sermon. I’m not overtly pushy at all, and I don’t just say things for the sake of it, I’m not like, ‘Jesus this, Jesus that’, but if conversation comes round to it then I will say what I did, or what I think about something. However you can tell pretty much immediately if someone feels uncomfortable and they just want to get away from you. I do wonder what other people I meet might be thinking of me. Perhaps it’s better I don’t know. I was speaking to J about this the other day, where I said something like ‘I feel like I just don’t fit in all the time’, he asked me if I was going to change who I was, and I said ‘no.’ I can’t change my personality and who God made me for each person I meet. It is something that I have been and do wrestle with though, and it does bother me. I am working through this right now.

I am unique, as I write this I feel a little sad, with a tear in my eye, I am a Mummy going through the ups and downs of life, who sometimes feels lonely and wants to build meaningful friendships with other people. I also happen to be a Christian. I want to Let my Light Shine.

Phillipians 4:13 (ESV) ‘I can do all things through him who strengthens me.’

Matthew 5:16 (ESV)’In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your father who is in heaven.’

 

The Pramshed
Diary of an imperfect mum
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14 thoughts on “Lonliness

  1. This is beautifully written and resonates with me as I feel very similarly. I have stopped going to toddler freeplay groups, as although I struggle being out of the clique, I prefer to be the mother who is actually playing with her toddler rather than letting them snatch and hit and push. However, it would be nice to have more mummy friends. I have lots of lovely friends but many of them work whereas I am at home which is where I want to be, but it can be lonely at times.

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    1. Thank you for your comment Laura. I struggled sometimes as I was torn between wanting to go to a group so the boys could socialise. I am often conscious of putting my expectations on them. It’s good to know that there are other Mummy’s out there who feel the same. xxx

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  2. This is a lovely and honest post. It can be really lonely when you are with the kids. I have two on a Tuesday as I take care of my neice too. It’s really hard to get out with two 18 months old kids especially as I don’t always have 2 car seats. My husband often says I’m cranky and I ‘download’ my day the second he gets though the door. But it’s because I’ve not spoken to an adult all day! #fortheloveofblog

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    1. Thank you for commenting, I think it will get easier when your eldest goes to school. Sometimes I really have to push myself to to make that step of arranging a coffee, even if I don’t want to. I am realising that many of us often feel very similar, except we think that everyone around us has it all sorted. xx

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  3. This is a lovely, honest post. I have some friends from school and work who had babies at similar times so that has given me a good basis but I haven’t made many friends from baby groups – most people seem to already be friends. I don’t find the loneliness affects me so much though as my husband works evenings so doesn’t leave until 3pm so during the day he’s around so it’s nice to spend time with him too.
    Thank you for sharing this, I think it will resonate with a lot of mothers.

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  4. I found your blog through #ablogginggoodtime and I also linked a very similar post about making friends. I can very much relate to this post. It can be hard and lonely. When I first started staying at home with my son, more seasoned mothers would share how hard it was to be at home. At the time I thought how could that be? I understand now completely. Hang in there mama! My favorite verse is also Phillipians 4:13

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    1. I have received such lovely comments, it seems many of us Mamas feel very similar, it’s always good to know that other Mums are having similar issues, and can relate. Phillipians 4:13 is really helpful for me to go back to and declare out. Thank you so much for commenting xxx Vicky

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  5. Oh lovely, I had a little tear in my eye reading your blog post. I can understand how you feel, as I would also feel intimidated to approach a group of Mums, and say “hi”. I’ve been lucky on my maternity leave and had the support of my NCT friends, but now that little one has started nursery I’m already getting the fear of speaking to other Mum’s. I hope I overcome this fear. I would certainly be your friend. Thanks so much for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

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    1. Ah you are too kind, thank you Claire, that’s lovely of you to say. I never did nct so didn’t have that in the early days. I know I just have to be myself, I just need to hold on to the right things. You will overcome the fear, don’t let it get the better of you. Xxx

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  6. It can be very lonely and being a single mummy from the start I often felt lonliest at night, Its what started me on my blogging journey and caused me to reach out, I now have such a huge group of friends – I infact have a tribe. If you are ever lonely do message us on twitter @tribalchattweet as you would be welcome to join us any time, there are over 50 of us now xx

    Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime xx

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