A lot of people often feel like January drags by, it’s dark, cold, and Christmas and New Year festivities have long passed. I always think the start of a new year can often seem like a strange time, New Years resolutions come and go, there’s an excitement about what’s to come in the year ahead, or sometimes there’s a fear, an underlying feeling that the unexpected might rear its ugly head, something you really don’t want to deal with, something you felt should’ve ended on the 31st December, I mean after all, new year new start right?…..
I often feel like January flies past these days, in a blink and you’ll miss it kind of way. It didn’t use to. It used to drag by very slowly, whats changed? Being Christian, and being a Mum.
I have recently become a stay at home mum (sahm; I love that my autocorrect just changed this to sham, I feel a little like somehow this new role that I am undertaking is a sham, that it’s not real, that I should do a proper job! except being a mummy, is one of the best and hardest things that I have, and will ever do).
It’s all new to me, I have always worked since leaving university, and even after I had BB I went back to work. (I needed to then for my own sanity, and also due to J, my husband being extremely poorly). This time round was different though, the end of my maternity leave was fast approaching, and I knew I had to make the decision. In truth I had already made it long ago, perhaps before I even had LP, but I just hadn’t said it out loud. I needed more time with the boys. Before I know it BB will be at school, and LP is growing up so quickly. So I did it, I met my boss, and told her that I would not be coming back. All done, as easy as that. Lots of people (actually pretty much most people) say something like, ‘that’s great if you can afford it,’ or ‘I would love to do that, we just can’t afford it.’ Let me tell you, we can’t afford it. Plain and simple.
Now we are not being irresponsible here, I felt that it was right, that I needed to honour my family, that I need to give this time to them, sure work will figure somewhere in the future, but not just now. I would like to say that we spent a lot of time praying about this, that we clearly heard God say that I shouldn’t go back to work, but we didn’t. However we know that God is in this, he is faithful, he’s got our back, and in my taking the step to do something new, we are trusting him for our future.
Hebrews 11:1. (ESV) ‘ Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.’
I am enjoying the start of my new journey, I have the anticipation of excitement of what is to come this year, but worry creeps in, like an unwelcome friend. What ifs and fears of not being good enough get the better of me. For instance it has taken me until the end of January to start writing this blog, I had good intentions to start writing earlier but time has been fleeting, and truly I didn’t know if I could do it.
My weeks feel like they merge into routine days of preschool drops offs and pick ups, nap times, snack times, housework, another load of washing, interjected with seeing friends and family, and going to baby groups (not my favourite pastime). Even then sometimes there will be two or three days that pass where I haven’t done too much socialising, and I wonder whether I have made the right decision about not going back to work. (At least then I had the opportunity to some ‘me’ time, and didn’t just talk about children, though to be honest, often when I get that time these days I dont really know what to do, and spend so long thinking about what to do, that I can end up doing nothing).
This year though I have decided to read my bible in one year. I have never done this before, I read a commentary then a psalm or proverb, and a New and Old Testament verse. We are also going through the book of John in Church, so in addition I’m reading through that too. So far so good, but it can be hard to fit in some days.
My evenings are often crazy too. We have a very busy church life, and lead a small group. J is involved in leadership, and there are often meetings that one or both of us attend. January is also when we have a prayer week, which I help out with organising.
It’s a strange time in my life really, trying to balance all these areas with having two small children, being a wife that honours my husband (I fail at that often), building my relationship with God. Sometimes it can all feel a bit much.
One thing I am learning though, is that I am good enough, and even when things get the better of me or I’m having a tough time, I am learning to rely on God throughout.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.’